Hi all
It’s time for another addition of the book club and this week I thought I’d share ‘chunk sizes’ with you. Chunk what?! I hear you cry. Well chunk sizes are a great way to win arguments and great way to keep you focused on what’s important. Jeremy Paxman is very good at chunk sizes. So is the Daily Mail.
So, a chunk size is all about how we interpret and deliver information. It is a way of communicating. You’ll either communicate in a detailed and specific way or you’ll communicate in a big picture, headline kind of way. Everyone is different and if you are at the opposite end of the spectrum to someone else you’ll be likely to clash.
Here is a real example that happened to me this week with my ex-neighbour (I still own the flat so I still have to communicate with her).
By the way, my flat has a leaky roof:
Her: There is a leak in my ceiling coming from your terrace – you need to fix it, it’s your roof
Me: No it’s your roof, it’s my roof terrace
Her: It’s leaking through your roof terrace
Me: My roof terrace isn’t designed to stop water - your flat roof is designed to do that
Her: I’m not going to pay - I have a crack in my ceiling
Me: Nor am I, it’s not my roof, it’s yours
Her: But it’s your terrace...
Time out – as you can see at this point we’re not getting very far. We are both in a ‘detailed chunk size’ which is creating a blame frame and a potential row.
Time to change chunk size – time to go ‘big picture’
Me: Ok it is a roof – that means we are all responsible for the roof of the property
Her: Well the others might not agree with that – I’m not paying, I have a crack in my ceiling
Me: But it is a roof isn’t it.
Her: Yes
Me: And if it’s a roof then we are all responsible - and we will be covered by the buildings insurance
Her: Errr yes
Me: So the most important thing is to get the roof fixed and the insurance should cover it – I’ll call the insurance company...
When you see both halves of the conversation written down, it’s easy to see how effective ‘chunking up’ can be - I moved away from the detail and focused on what the big picture was – in this case it was to get the roof fixed.
The trick is this - before you go into a conversation or a potential row, decide what the most important thing you want to achieve is first. Ask yourself ‘what’s the big picture here’?
Once you have that fixed in your mind it will become much more difficult for the other person to ‘drag’ you down to the detail and into an argument.
This technique works in reverse of course but I’ll save that for next time.
Mark & Scott
Thursday 18 February 2010
Thursday 11 February 2010
How to tell if they really like you.
Hi all
My girlfriend tells me it’s Valentine’s day this Sunday! Help! I would love to say that I have everything under control and that I’ve booked a table for two in a snug little corner of our favourite restaurant but...of course I haven’t got round to it yet. How did it come around so quickly? So as the most romantic day of the year (so I’m told) fast approaches I thought I’d share with you my top 5 tips for being able to tell if someone likes you – I mean really likes you! Often when someone fancies you it’s obvious isn’t it – you just know. But what about when you aren’t sure if they like you in the way same way that you like them...
In this edition of ‘book club’:
How to tell if someone fancies the pants off you, or not...
PS – this applies to the girls and the boys.
Alert: How to achieve exactly the opposite of what this edition of book club is about – only take one point in isolation! Each one of the points below must be evident for you to draw an accurate conclusion.
1. LEANING IN: People may be a little cagey with what they say so that they don’t reveal their true feelings, but the non verbals normally give you an accurate picture of what is really going on. So if they lean in towards you while you are talking it means they are interested in what you are saying – this can be an initial sign that they like you.
2. FEET POINTING TOWARDS YOU: The feet really give the game away. If both feet are pointing directly at you then they are interested in you (at some level).
3. AN INNOCENT TOUCH: When we like others in an intimate way we tend to be more tactile than usual. A light brush of the hand or a tap on the arm, for example, seem fairly innocent on the face of it - but when combined with the above two points they can mean much more. The touch will normally be disguised as a part of a necessary ‘action’ to get your attention for a perfectly innocent reason, of course. So keep your eye on their hands and pay attention to any appropriate touching.
4. MORE THAN 5 SECONDS IS A STARE: In our culture the average time for ‘appropriate’ eye contact is somewhere between 2 and 5 seconds – any longer then it becomes a stare. However when we romantically like others our eye contact goes up. So if you find the person is making good eye contact which is just a tad longer than you are used to, then this means they probably like you – and crucially, it won’t feel like a stare.
5. SHARING A SECRET: If the person you are talking with shares a secret with you, or if they talk about something that is close to their heart, something with high emotion in it , it’s a sign of them opening up to you and that they trust you. It also encourages you to reciprocate by sharing your own story/secret. This begins to build a bond between the two of you. When emotional stories are shared it creates a deep level of rapport – the key here is that the stories are shared even when you don’t know them that well.
If all of the above are present when you meet or talk with someone then you can be pretty sure that they like you in a romantic way.
Enjoy!
Mark & Scott
Keep sending your stories and experiences in and we’ll post them on our Blog and our Facebook page – just email:
markandscott@youneedthisbook.co.uk
PS –if you know of any friends who will like these techniques, feel free to forward this mail to them and let them know they can sign up themselves for FREE just by going to www.youneedthisbook.co.uk
My girlfriend tells me it’s Valentine’s day this Sunday! Help! I would love to say that I have everything under control and that I’ve booked a table for two in a snug little corner of our favourite restaurant but...of course I haven’t got round to it yet. How did it come around so quickly? So as the most romantic day of the year (so I’m told) fast approaches I thought I’d share with you my top 5 tips for being able to tell if someone likes you – I mean really likes you! Often when someone fancies you it’s obvious isn’t it – you just know. But what about when you aren’t sure if they like you in the way same way that you like them...
In this edition of ‘book club’:
How to tell if someone fancies the pants off you, or not...
PS – this applies to the girls and the boys.
Alert: How to achieve exactly the opposite of what this edition of book club is about – only take one point in isolation! Each one of the points below must be evident for you to draw an accurate conclusion.
1. LEANING IN: People may be a little cagey with what they say so that they don’t reveal their true feelings, but the non verbals normally give you an accurate picture of what is really going on. So if they lean in towards you while you are talking it means they are interested in what you are saying – this can be an initial sign that they like you.
2. FEET POINTING TOWARDS YOU: The feet really give the game away. If both feet are pointing directly at you then they are interested in you (at some level).
3. AN INNOCENT TOUCH: When we like others in an intimate way we tend to be more tactile than usual. A light brush of the hand or a tap on the arm, for example, seem fairly innocent on the face of it - but when combined with the above two points they can mean much more. The touch will normally be disguised as a part of a necessary ‘action’ to get your attention for a perfectly innocent reason, of course. So keep your eye on their hands and pay attention to any appropriate touching.
4. MORE THAN 5 SECONDS IS A STARE: In our culture the average time for ‘appropriate’ eye contact is somewhere between 2 and 5 seconds – any longer then it becomes a stare. However when we romantically like others our eye contact goes up. So if you find the person is making good eye contact which is just a tad longer than you are used to, then this means they probably like you – and crucially, it won’t feel like a stare.
5. SHARING A SECRET: If the person you are talking with shares a secret with you, or if they talk about something that is close to their heart, something with high emotion in it , it’s a sign of them opening up to you and that they trust you. It also encourages you to reciprocate by sharing your own story/secret. This begins to build a bond between the two of you. When emotional stories are shared it creates a deep level of rapport – the key here is that the stories are shared even when you don’t know them that well.
If all of the above are present when you meet or talk with someone then you can be pretty sure that they like you in a romantic way.
Enjoy!
Mark & Scott
Keep sending your stories and experiences in and we’ll post them on our Blog and our Facebook page – just email:
markandscott@youneedthisbook.co.uk
PS –if you know of any friends who will like these techniques, feel free to forward this mail to them and let them know they can sign up themselves for FREE just by going to www.youneedthisbook.co.uk
Thursday 4 February 2010
10 WAYS TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL CONFIDENT
1. Imagine you’re twice the size that you are until you're filling the whole room.
2. Once you’ve done that, imagine you’re the size of the whole building.
3. Think of a time when you felt really confident in the past – and think about where you were, what you were looking at, what you were hearing and how you were feeling at the time.
4. Switch off that ‘voice in your head’ that tells you you’re not feeling confident - just imagine there’s a volume switch and turn it down.
5. Tell yourself how confident you’re feeling – say to yourself ‘I’m feeling confident because …’
6. If someone or something is intimidating you, imagine them in black and white – with no colour at all - and then shrink them down to a quarter of their size.
7. Hold your head up, look slightly upwards to the sky or the ceiling - and smile to yourself.
8. Think of a song or tune that makes you feel really good and play it to yourself – loudly – in your mind.
9. Think of someone you know – or someone famous – who is always confident, and imagine ‘stepping inside’ their body and becoming that person.
10. Imagine your centre of gravity is in your stomach. Hold it there, firmly – like a cannonball in your middle - and notice how much more secure you’re feeling now.
2. Once you’ve done that, imagine you’re the size of the whole building.
3. Think of a time when you felt really confident in the past – and think about where you were, what you were looking at, what you were hearing and how you were feeling at the time.
4. Switch off that ‘voice in your head’ that tells you you’re not feeling confident - just imagine there’s a volume switch and turn it down.
5. Tell yourself how confident you’re feeling – say to yourself ‘I’m feeling confident because …’
6. If someone or something is intimidating you, imagine them in black and white – with no colour at all - and then shrink them down to a quarter of their size.
7. Hold your head up, look slightly upwards to the sky or the ceiling - and smile to yourself.
8. Think of a song or tune that makes you feel really good and play it to yourself – loudly – in your mind.
9. Think of someone you know – or someone famous – who is always confident, and imagine ‘stepping inside’ their body and becoming that person.
10. Imagine your centre of gravity is in your stomach. Hold it there, firmly – like a cannonball in your middle - and notice how much more secure you’re feeling now.
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